Bittersweet Feelings

I am SO blessed to have the family I have. The baby is such a good baby, I have her schedule pretty well figured out...she eats about every 3 hours, give or take, and sleeps about 2 hours at a time during the day, stays awake for about 1 to 1 1/2 hours between naps. During the night she wakes up to eat, and goes right back to sleep, so far she only "stayed up" one time since being born. She usually gives me one 4 hour break, and last night she ate at 10:00, then went to bed by 11:00...I expected her to wake up by 2 to eat...and believe me, I was ready! But she slept til 3:30! That would be nice if she did that every night...except then she woke up to eat at 6:30, which is only 10 minutes before I have to get the kids up for school...we managed, but it was a little rushed this morning! You'll have that!

Anyhow...the bittersweet part...I am really struggling with the fact that we are done having babies. I know we can't possibly have anymore for many reasons. 4 healthy children are more than I could have ever dreamed of, but to realize that I will never have that miracle of a baby growing inside of my body, no more feeling the movements, hiccups, and yes, even the whole birth experience. I love being pregnant, and I love giving birth...not the hard contractions maybe, but the whole thing is just the most wonderful experience.

This feeling is very strange for me since we were satisfied after the first 2, but not sure we were done. Then Adelyn came along and we were SO happy...I felt that she completed our family! Once she was 2 in March, I was 100% convinced we were done having children. We looked into options to make that decision permanent...and in May I found out I was pregnant, and I have to be honest, I was pretty upset. I felt like, "this can't be"...we were all set. And after a few weeks, I was excited, when we told the kids, they were ecstatic, so that made us even more excited about our new family member.

Now that Julia is here, I can't imagine not having her...it was in the making all along, in God's plan. And I am SO blessed and thankful for her. However, it makes me question us doing anything to interfear with God's future plans he may have for us. Here I was SO sure I was done, and I wasn't, and what if I did something and never had Julia????? What a sad, empty thought! But, we have to realize there is a limit for our children bearing. We want to be able to take the kids all around traveling, every time we have a baby, that plan gets pushed back a couple years, our vehicles are set for the size of family we have, we have a camper, boat, etc that we have to pull with the truck...it is set for a family of 6 tops...and financially, we aren't rich, we are going to have 4 braces, 4 weddings, cars, college, bills, etc...What is the right thing to do? What if the fair thing to do?

Maybe it is just the hormones and some post pardom (sp?) feelings I'm dealing with. But these are things I am thinking about. It is sad to me to know I won't ever have any more kids, but I think I need to realize that life is always changing, and dwelling on the "what ifs" or the things you may not have will not do any good, I have to embrace my wonderful family and enjoy what I DO HAVE, and all of it's changes and different stages. Kinda like looking back on your younger, carefree years, before the stress of life, the changes your body goes through, etc...you can't get those younger days back, but you can remember them fondly and be thankful for every wrinkle, each stretch mark, and look forward to what else life has in store for the future.

Wow, I feel better...sometimes writing it down answers my own questions. I have to go hug my kids now!